My Little Village... People

i am behind on my blogging (i wonder why?)...these pics are from september.  i turned hank's nursery into a pirate playroom, with enough dress ups for a broadway midget musical...they got to work as soon as it was ready!

i love these little village people.

they keep me going.

Helaman 5:12

"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

I Miss You

Mom & Dad...

It is hard to describe what we have been through together, but, I am so grateful for the experiences we have shared.  You are amazing parents who have carried me through some very dark, confusing and sometimes scary hours.  I know that whatever I need I can rely on you two to be there for me unconditionally.  Thank you for that gift, thank you for everything.  I love you both so much.

"And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord." D & C 68: 28

"But ye (parents) will teach them (children) to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another." Mosiah 4: 15

"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen; for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18

Home

back to the madness, the messes, the "mondays" & the fun!

FAMILY WEEK

This week has been emotional overload. But it has been beautiful, enlightening and powerful. I was told today that I would leave this week changed forever, and I truly believe it. There is a spirit in the 12 steps and in the rooms where recovery is being studied that is undeniable.

I learned so much, that I want to share all of it, but it would be impossible.

I am learning so much from everyone who has emailed/commented, that I feel less isolated, less confused and soooo much love.

I know that in recovery there is ONE common denominator. Turning your LIFE and WILL over to a higher power. Whatever that means to you.

I cleared out the BYU bookstore and BORDERS in the addiction & co-dependency sections. I have fallen asleep in my clothes almost every night this week as I study, research, pray and meditate....there are soooo many things I want to share, but I feel that I should start with this, I want people to understand addiction:

From the book HOLD ON TO HOPE by Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone and Dr. Rick H., the disease concept of addiction is discussed:

"The disease of addiction replaces agency and spirituality. During the final stage of addiction, the small seed of disobedience has now grown substantially, and has begun to blossom. Here the user might more accurately be perceived as an 'addict' or a 'sick person needing to get well', not as a 'wicked person needing to repent'....The addict wants the substance in the same way you would want air (if your head were being held under water)....Sin leads to misery, suffering and loss of agency for oneself."

Drugs and alcohol change the brain- they change its structure and how it works. From the HBO documentary series: Addiction

This is not to say that addicts should not be held accountable for their actions, but to encourage anyone who might be dealing with an addiction or an addict, to realize the severity of the disease and get into treatment as soon as possible, it is not simply a matter of willpower, (to say that would not do the complexity of addiction justice).

In 2006 150,000 Americans died as a direct result of chemical addiction.

anthony is doing very well, he is safe, he is humbled and he is sober. just for today........

SERENITY PRAYER

god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change

the courage to change the things i can

and the wisdom to know the difference........

"circling-up" is a powerful tool used in recovery. everyone in the room holds hands in a circle and says the serenity prayer in unison. the biggest circle (about 350 people) i have ever been in was about a month ago at the cirque "reunion". angels were present...i know it.

along with the prayer, we had a moment of silence as they rang a bell for each person who had been a cirque patient, who had lost their life to the disease. i will pray tonight that a bell will never have to ring for anthony.

ANOTHER TALK

my discussions i have had with my girls about their daddy have been impromptu. as they get older, there are more questions, and the answers are more difficult. in now way do i claim to have all the answers, but here's a snippet...

when grace was 3, i told her that daddy was sick and he took some bad medicine that hurt him; she went around telling everyone that her daddy took a lot of bad medicine.

when she was 4, i told her he did it again, probably not the best explanation.

when she was 5 the questions came as her and her sister were in the bath. he had left suddenly the night before and they didn't get to say goodbye...they were angry, upset and confused. so was i. i was finally starting to understand the disease and i feel like the answers just came to me as i spoke them....

me:"you know how sometimes you have a tummy-ache? well daddy is sick. but he is sick in his head. he is going away to the mountains to go to a special camp where doctors and counselors can help him. he will take special classes and be around other people who have the same sickness so they can help each other."

grace: "like centers in kindergarten?"

me: "yes, like centers: one center will teach him how to eat the right foods, the other might help him exercise, another will help him to learn how to be organized, etc etc so that he can come home and be a better daddy"

grace: "will he live in a tent"

me: "no, it's a cabin"

grace: "okay, but i will miss him"

frelly: "me too mommy"

me: "it'll be okay though because we have each other and heavenly father knows that we are sad, and he will help us"

the next few months, we ate a lot of cupcakes, cried a lot of tears but our testimonies were strengthened as we were showered with support, love and understanding.

tonight came another talk.

grace: "what are we going to do tomorrow at the camp mom"

me: "well, we get to have breakfast and lunch with daddy and i will take some classes and you and faith and hank will watch a movie, play and maybe talk about how you feel"

grace: "could daddy, i don't want to say it....die?"

me: "he has a very serious disease called addiction, and yes, if he doesn't get better, he could die. but that is why he is going to the camp again, so he can learn how to fight it."

grace: "taegan's dog died, he had cancer"

me: "lots of sad things happen in this life, but, we know that in heaven everything will make sense and we will be together again. daddy is going to do the best that he can to fight his disease though, so please don't worry about that right now."

grace: "what is addiction?"

me: "you know how when you get sick i give you tylenol and you feel better? well when daddy gets sick and he takes medicine, his brain tells him to keep taking more and more, and it makes him even more sick. he needs to go back to camp so he can remember how important it is that he doesn't do that."

grace: "it's not fair that he has to be gone again"

me: "it's okay to be sad, i love you, now go to sleep and we will see him in the morning"

Family week at Cirque starts tomorrow. He is there, he is safe. I sold his truck today, had a pumpkin milkshake, read my scriptures, had a breakdown, took a Xanax, made a hair appointment for tomorrow, and now i am doing my new therapy..."blogging" because it's cheaper than new shoes and there is not a Sprinkles in Utah....

I love and appreciate you all more than you ever know. Your support and kind words are keeping me sane. xo, mo

REUNITED

my dear sweet dad flew home friday night to pick up my girls for me and flew back with them yesterday morning. i was so happy to see them....they lifted my spirits. it's pretty hard to feel sorry for myself when they are around....

today during sacrament meeting, izzy and i discussed the sacrament:

me: "izzy, what are we supposed to think about when we eat the bread?"

izzy: "jesusheavenlyfather"

me: "that's right babe, and what do we think about when we drink the water?"

izzy: "the bread"

ADDICTION

It's time I tell my story...

I see all these blogs of friends and family that inspire me and give me hope... that show love and joy and even heartache. But one thing I have not seen addressed is addiction. And, I KNOW it needs to be.

I have been married, and still am married to a man who is battling an addiction to prescription medications. We were married in the temple 7 1/2 years ago and we have three beautiful, amazing children. I love my life, I recognize the abundance of blessings I enjoy, I have a testimony and I have faith... but, this is a big trial.

He is in the hospital in the nuero-psych ward right now fighting for his life and "detoxing", this is his first step back to recovery. I want to tell my story and let you see my journey so you can laugh with me and cry with me. If nothing more, maybe someone will be able to relate to me and not feel so alone, as I often have these past 4 years.

I am NOT ASHAMED of my situation, I am NOT EMBARASSED and I know it is NOT MY FAULT. It is nobody's fault, it is a disease that is far-reaching, painful and destructive. And, we need to talk about it. My goal is not to embarass my husband or disrespect his privacy, but, to reach out to others who I might be able to help or talk to about loving an addict.... I am going to try to include words of inspiration that I have found, and links to talks that will also help. For now, this is my first step...it is one I have prayed about and feel comfortable with.

Please say a little prayer for Anthony and for our children....they need them.

It's okay to talk about it. "It takes a village" as my close friends joke, nobody should have to do this alone...just one day at a time, one foot in front of another.