It's time I tell my story...
I see all these blogs of friends and family that inspire me and give me hope... that show love and joy and even heartache. But one thing I have not seen addressed is addiction. And, I KNOW it needs to be.
I have been married, and still am married to a man who is battling an addiction to prescription medications. We were married in the temple 7 1/2 years ago and we have three beautiful, amazing children. I love my life, I recognize the abundance of blessings I enjoy, I have a testimony and I have faith... but, this is a big trial.
He is in the hospital in the nuero-psych ward right now fighting for his life and "detoxing", this is his first step back to recovery. I want to tell my story and let you see my journey so you can laugh with me and cry with me. If nothing more, maybe someone will be able to relate to me and not feel so alone, as I often have these past 4 years.
I am NOT ASHAMED of my situation, I am NOT EMBARASSED and I know it is NOT MY FAULT. It is nobody's fault, it is a disease that is far-reaching, painful and destructive. And, we need to talk about it. My goal is not to embarass my husband or disrespect his privacy, but, to reach out to others who I might be able to help or talk to about loving an addict.... I am going to try to include words of inspiration that I have found, and links to talks that will also help. For now, this is my first step...it is one I have prayed about and feel comfortable with.
Please say a little prayer for Anthony and for our children....they need them.
It's okay to talk about it. "It takes a village" as my close friends joke, nobody should have to do this alone...just one day at a time, one foot in front of another.
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40 comments:
I love you and your family more than you will ever know. I am so proud of your endurance, compassion, and strength. I am proud that you are telling your story becuase I think you have a lot of wisdom to offer someone who might have simliar struggles. It has been a long road for you, but I know that you are strong enough to endure whatever is ahead. I have watched your testimony strengthen immensely from all of this, and are proud to call you my sister. Just know that you have more people that love you than you realize. I am blessed to have you in my life.
I love you too Hillary, you are my little guardian angel...thank you for taking my children and making them safe and warm and happy...you will never know how much you mean to me.
You don't know me but I saw your blog from someone else's. I'm an LDS mom from Arizona and I'm not a weird-o. I hope you don't mind that I commented. First, I am so sorry. I have a similar story and would like you to know you're not alone even though it can be the loneliest trial.If you are interested in corresponding, please email me at bonharkey52@yahoo.com. Heavenly Father loves you and you will get through this, even though there are times, days and weeks where it seems you won't. You are brave for sharing and it really does help others!
What a journey this has been for all of us. Amanda, I am so proud of you. You have inspired and amazed me with your ability to face this trial and to triumph over the dark days. By sharing your struggles, you are also sharing your faith and strength.
I am grateful for our family, your wonderful friends, and for loving church leaders and members who have been so helpful and supportive.
"...peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high." D&C 121: 1, 7-8
Love, Mom
You already know how I feel about all of this. You have been my best friend since we were 11! We have seen each other through thick and thin and have remained the dearest of friends through it all. I think this takes the cake though for the biggest trial we have had to endure. I LOVE that I have seen you cry and then 10 minutes later laugh about it. Your outlook on life is my favorite thing. You always know how to still be happy and smile with those big huge dimples! I have seen you grow so much and I think YOU finally have realized what a STRONG woman you are!!! You amaze me what you do as a mother for those beautiful kids! I LOVE you to pieces! I am proud of you. No matter what happens in the end... you will be OK! I promise! Now get your buns home so we can go to Sprinkles! xoxo
P.S. I think the Joshua Radin song fits your life perfect and I'm retiring it from my blog and on it goes to yours... because "It's a Brand New Day" SPUDS!!!
Amanda, I'm so glad you decided to share your story. Addiction is such a huge trial within the church, and it seems to fly under the radar far to often. It has been nice to share our struggles with one another. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Big Hugs, Lisa
I love you. I love how strong and compassionate you are. I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. I wish I could be there to give you a hug and help with anything. Just remember you have a friend praying and wanting the best for your family.
My dearest little MoMo. I am reading your post with tears in my eyes because again I am so proud to be your sister. I am so proud of your strength and your ability to endure this trial. I have watched you grow so much these last few years. I KNOW that you can handle this and you will make whatever decisions you need to to protect your family and your beautiful children. Please know you are daily in my thoughts and my prayers and I will do anything to continue to help whenever and wherever I can. I support you in whatever decisions you will make in these trying times. I love you so much more than I can express on a blogpost. You are amazing.
Amanda, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. What a trial- with someone you love so much, and those 3 sweet children.
I am in awe of your faith and strength- and I know you will get through it all- one day. Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family-- each day.
I know we haven't really kept in close touch over the years, but I have a lot of great memories of you from H.S. You're an amazing person and I love you.
You have such courage to share your journey. I found you from a link on Alison's blog. Just want to show my support. Wishing the best for you and your family.
I just came over from Alison's blog. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through such a tough time. You are obvioulsy a very strong, smart woman and your husband will get through this with you by his side. Wishing you all the best at such a hard time.
I can't believe how brave you are. Thanks for telling your story. It is this kind of honesty that makes blogging so powerful. I hope and pray that you and your husband will find the answers you need.
Amanda...I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking about your sweet little family! You are all so strong and beautiful and Heavenly Father is aware of ALL of your needs! Even though somedays it's probably hard to see that.
Thanks for sharing your story and I hope by doing so, you are able to feel more love and support...even from friends of friends! :-)
it has been so hard to watch a family that we love and cherish as friends go through such a trial. we know that you will never be given more than you can handle and you have truly showed this. You are such an amazing mother, wife, and friend. you inspire me to be better and look for the good in people. you are in our thoughts and prayers always! we love you!
I came from your sisters blog but also "know" you through Summer. I am so sorry for what you have had to deal with for so long. You are very brave for sharing and I know it will help someone else. Like you said, addiction is not something to be ashamed of... we all have them, some are worse than others. I hope your husband can get the help he needs and that you can stay strong while he is away. I don't know you but I admire you!
Amanda, I came across your blog from Summers and I'm sitting here crying. My heart goes out to you and your family. I know sharing this had to be so scary and hard. I will be praying for your husband for a quick and successful recovery!
is it okay to comment twice on my own post?
thank you everyone for your kind words...especially mom (my literal partner in crime), spuds (my brother, my bff), my friends & those i don't know...every word written inspires me to keep going...one minute at a time.
it snowed this morning when i woke up, it was beautiful, it was a brand new day.
HI Amanda,
I just saw the post on Allison's Blog and I am so sorry. I am praying for you and those gorgeous children of yours. You are a picture of grace, strength and hope. You have an amazing family who love you...so truely blessed.
I pray for your continued strength. Hang in there.
Lots of Love,
Traci Moysa (O'Neill)
I am so grateful to call you my friend. You have taught me so much, and I truly look up to you. I enjoyed spending individual time with each of your kids this week. I love them like my own. We love you and Anothony and always have you in our thoughts and prayers.
I wish i could give you a big hug right now!! Your post touched my heart, and as I am wiping tears away right now, I know that things are going to be fine! You are amazing! I know things have been hard, to say the least, but know that we are here for you. I will pray for your cute family and wish all the luck for Anthony's recovery. Anthony is a great man and I know he will get through this! I love you guys, your whole family is so special to me! Talk to you soon! Love, Laura
I found your blog thru a friend of a friend of an old mission companion. Funny how you run across blogs of strangers and stop your life for a minute to connect with theirs.
I have a dear, amazing husband who deals with an addiction as well. I respect your courage and strength that comes from the depths of your soul...
It is an issue that not too many people discuss so I understand the "village" that gathers round you. Friends, family and amazing angels. They lift up your heart and spirits along with a very loving Heavenly Father who stands by you minute by minute.
Thank you for your post...
p.s. On a funny note, I had to leave a comment when I saw you were a fellow cupcake lover!
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...
Love Always
Lindsey Wall
Hey Amanda,
It's Brittany, I just came across your blog and was so touched that you shared your story. I hope Anthony is doing well. We will keep him in our prayers along with all of your family. I miss seeing you guys, Owen is going to bed early these days so its hard.
Remember, take one day at a time. It has been rough in our lives these days as well. So please let me know if you need ANYTHING! I know how hard this is. I know the feeling of wanting to crawl in the closet and just cry, but stay strong. I loved the scripture your mom shared. Always remember that. Stay strong and please let me know if you need anyone to talk to. Sometimes, you just want to talk to some one that understands.
Brittany
Amanda,
YOu are one amazing woman! I hope everything turns out okay and you are totally in my prayers! I love you and honestly, I can say you are one of my most favoritest people in the world (love my horrible writing and I was an English major. Aren't you glad I didn't write your paper for you in college?) Okay, back to the sappy stuff! I love you and I know you will make it through this tough time! When you get back, maybe we should drive 5 hours to get in-and-out!!!!!!
Best wishes to you and your family! I will be thinking and praying for you!!
I just love you so much Amanda, and want to do whatever I can to help out. Give me some kids to tend! I admire your courage and attitude, and I hope I can be more like you.
I know it's just been recently that we've been reconnected through the blogging world (and the occasional run in at Wahoos or the Disney store, lol) but I wanted you to know that from this day forward, my family will be keeping your family in our prayers.
I'm sorry for this trial you and Anthony are going through. I can't relate to this one of addiction specifically, but I do know from personal experience, that trials you go through together as husband and wife DO make you stronger in the long run if you choose to draw close to one another. Sounds like you are doing just that.
I'm so glad you have such a strong support system. Hang in there!
Amanda,
You are so strong and brave! Every time I see you, you have a huge smile on your face and are usually kissing "the tank." No one would ever know what you were enduring behind closed doors. What an example you are of God's work. I'm sure you will be recieving many graces through all of the prayers that seem to be surrounding you and your family. We will continue to keep Anthony and your family in our prayers.
With love and admiration,
Kristi... Summer's kristi
You are so noble for doing this. I can imagine times are a bit tough right now and I will keep you guys in my prayers!
No doubt, there will be a lot of people who will benefit from hearing your story!
ok, I'm totally crying right now for you, Amanda! I think you are such an amazing girl and have amazing strength. Tony is so lucky to have a wife who loves him so much and who bears his burdens with him. You are showing true charity and Christlike love with all you are doing for him. He will thank you for the rest of your lives. I love your mom's scripture quote. It is so true that this is just a small moment in the scheme of things. Aren't we so lucky to know that Christ knows EXACTLY what we are facing and feeling. It is such a comfort. I once heard (on Oprah..forgive me) about addiction and about a man who's son battled for years w/ an addiction. He said that part of recovery IS relapsing. It is part of the journey and overcoming it all. I love you and I want to be there for you in any way I can. I hope you know what a truly remarkable person you are!
xo, Camille
I love you MO. I wish I were there to give you a bug hug and a shoulder to cry on. I am proud of you and know how strong you are. You never realize what you can get through till you are faced with it and I know you guys will endure this amazingly. Love you.
Amanda, you know what I have been through with my Father. Call me anytime....Id love to talk to you about this. Not that I am an expert....but I have dealt with this for 25 years and I think I might be able to put it in perspective for you. Love you guys.
Amanda--
SO up my alley in terms of being open, honest, and candid for the purpose of gaining knowledge, understanding, comfort, and peace. You are such a strong example & I stand in awe of how you have handled this battle especially in light of the amazing mommy you are to your three little angels. I {love} Allison like a sis, so by relation, I love you too! Keep on being strong for your kiddos. Truly, an inspiration.
amanda... i linked your blog from summer's and i know you as the beautiful "sprinkles" girl from summers blog. i just wanted to let you know that your post hits really close to home for me. sorry if this post is long and/or meaningless to you but i just thought i would share my experience. my dad has been a prescription drug addict my whole life. i wish i had a success story to tell you but i can understand a little bit what your family must be going through. i remember as a child going to visit my dad in rehab many times. my mom always had so much hope and stood by him for a long time but it is something that they have to overcome themselves and unfortunately my dad never did. i lost my mom to cancer 4 1/2 years ago and my husband and i are now raising my siblings because my dad can't. he has lost everything because of his addiction. i've lost both parents and took on a lot of responsibility because of it. my dad had great potential too... lawyer, 4.0, return missionary, married in the temple, had a great wife and kids, etc. again, i'm not telling you this to scare you but just so you know that i know the seriousness of the illness and i can't imagine what you must be going through as a wife and a mother. i'm REALLY proud of you for DEALING with it and being REAL about it. my mom hid a lot of things for my dad. i don't think she knew how to deal with it and i think she was embarrassed. she did a great job being a mom to us though and keeping life as "normal" as possible for us kids. wow. i don't know what to tell you. this is a big trial that i hope and pray anthony can overcome and he can. my oldest brother has struggled with the same thing and he is doing good now! anthony has to do it for himself though and hopefully he realizes what he has in you and your children. my blog is private but if you want an invite i'd be happy to invite you so you don't feel like your talking to a stranger. i'd be happy to talk more about anything or answer any questions you have. good luck. my mom was the bravest, strongest women i know to go through what she did so i can only imagine how GREAT you must be. karlinkess@comcast.net email me for an invite. p.s. i know the wall's too.
I don't know you but I admire your brave approach to this. I pray for your family and hope that your husband recovers from this. There are many people out there battleing all kids of trials and you are truly inspirational.
Hi Amanda....
I am sorry about your situation. I know three things. 1. Anthony is WAY too cool to let this beat him. He is genuinely one of the nicest guys I have ever met. 2. He is at a great facility. Sounds like he may have been there before, but I know about three people who have had success by being there (and no, not the famous ones!). 3. You are being the perfect mom. I am no expert, but your openness and candor plus your always ready to have fun demeanor is probably the perfect combination for your kids. I always want you around because you make everyone else have fun, and that is perfect for your kids right now. President Monson talked about the Joy in the Journey. I know to find silver lining is sometimes a joke, but if anyone can do it...it's you. Hang in there! Plus, I need your phone number because I need to ask you something. I will call Summer for it. L. Denison
XOXO!
We're praying for all of you!
Thanks for keeping it real. I love you!
I don't exactly know why I couldn't sleep to-night but when I couldn't I decided to see if you have updated your blog. I know that you have started a new journey and I believe a new blog, but if by chance you happen to check back on this one, I want you to know that it is one year later than when most of these comments were made after your wrote about addiction and you have moved on and made some very tough and very wonderful decisions in your life that has sent you on a much happier eternal path. I am so grateful that you and Michael found each other at the perfect time in your lives. I adore you and feel it is such an honor to have you as part as our family. I love you dearly.
I don't exactly know why I couldn't sleep to-night but when I couldn't I decided to see if you have updated your blog. I know that you have started a new journey and I believe a new blog, but if by chance you happen to check back on this one, I want you to know that it is one year later than when most of these comments were made after your wrote about addiction and you have moved on and made some very tough and very wonderful decisions in your life that has sent you on a much happier eternal path. I am so grateful that you and Michael found each other at the perfect time in your lives. I adore you and feel it is such an honor to have you as part as our family. I love you dearly.
I don't know why my comments got posted twice. I'm sorry, I guess it needed to be said more than once. That being said, I want you to know that I love you and I think the experiences you have endured have prepared you for the choices you have made. You will be continually blessed as you stay close to the Lord. I know that Michael was truly preserved for you and your children. I have never seen him happier. As you know, you have always had a special place in my heart ever since you were one of my Merry Miss girls so many years ago. Little did I know then, that you would be one of my daughters one day. I am so very blessed. May the Lord bless you always.
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