ANOTHER TALK

my discussions i have had with my girls about their daddy have been impromptu. as they get older, there are more questions, and the answers are more difficult. in now way do i claim to have all the answers, but here's a snippet...

when grace was 3, i told her that daddy was sick and he took some bad medicine that hurt him; she went around telling everyone that her daddy took a lot of bad medicine.

when she was 4, i told her he did it again, probably not the best explanation.

when she was 5 the questions came as her and her sister were in the bath. he had left suddenly the night before and they didn't get to say goodbye...they were angry, upset and confused. so was i. i was finally starting to understand the disease and i feel like the answers just came to me as i spoke them....

me:"you know how sometimes you have a tummy-ache? well daddy is sick. but he is sick in his head. he is going away to the mountains to go to a special camp where doctors and counselors can help him. he will take special classes and be around other people who have the same sickness so they can help each other."

grace: "like centers in kindergarten?"

me: "yes, like centers: one center will teach him how to eat the right foods, the other might help him exercise, another will help him to learn how to be organized, etc etc so that he can come home and be a better daddy"

grace: "will he live in a tent"

me: "no, it's a cabin"

grace: "okay, but i will miss him"

frelly: "me too mommy"

me: "it'll be okay though because we have each other and heavenly father knows that we are sad, and he will help us"

the next few months, we ate a lot of cupcakes, cried a lot of tears but our testimonies were strengthened as we were showered with support, love and understanding.

tonight came another talk.

grace: "what are we going to do tomorrow at the camp mom"

me: "well, we get to have breakfast and lunch with daddy and i will take some classes and you and faith and hank will watch a movie, play and maybe talk about how you feel"

grace: "could daddy, i don't want to say it....die?"

me: "he has a very serious disease called addiction, and yes, if he doesn't get better, he could die. but that is why he is going to the camp again, so he can learn how to fight it."

grace: "taegan's dog died, he had cancer"

me: "lots of sad things happen in this life, but, we know that in heaven everything will make sense and we will be together again. daddy is going to do the best that he can to fight his disease though, so please don't worry about that right now."

grace: "what is addiction?"

me: "you know how when you get sick i give you tylenol and you feel better? well when daddy gets sick and he takes medicine, his brain tells him to keep taking more and more, and it makes him even more sick. he needs to go back to camp so he can remember how important it is that he doesn't do that."

grace: "it's not fair that he has to be gone again"

me: "it's okay to be sad, i love you, now go to sleep and we will see him in the morning"

Family week at Cirque starts tomorrow. He is there, he is safe. I sold his truck today, had a pumpkin milkshake, read my scriptures, had a breakdown, took a Xanax, made a hair appointment for tomorrow, and now i am doing my new therapy..."blogging" because it's cheaper than new shoes and there is not a Sprinkles in Utah....

I love and appreciate you all more than you ever know. Your support and kind words are keeping me sane. xo, mo