each day i wake up, i am hit with the reality of what is going on... each day i honestly don't know how i will make it through. but then someone emails me, stops by, drops a note in my mail, calls on the phone (i'm sorry i don't answer), drops off cookies or cupcakes, takes my children, invites us over for dinner, takes my trash cans out, takes me out, leaves a comment on my blog...the list truly does go on....& i find myself at the end of the day having made it through another. i know i am being carried through this. i know there is light at the end of this dark & lonely tunnel. i am grateful that this is my trial, because i often look at other burdens & cannot imagine enduring them. i was talking with some friends about marriage & how they "knew" that their spouse was the ONE... i know that my decision to marry anthony was right. i know that it was in the plan. but, i believe things change & as much as i want to control my path, i only have power over my choices...& i choose freedom from this pain & hope for a happier, more peaceful life...
but above all, i want my children to know how much i adore them. they are a burning light in my darkest hours & if it weren't for them i would probably be hiding under the covers everyday feeling horribly sorry for myself. they are my 3 little guardian angels who let me hold on to their wings to fly...
15 comments:
Amanda you are so amazing. I love reading your postings and feeling so much inspiration from how strong you are. I admire you for your strength to express your thoughts and feelings. You are such an amazing woman!
p.s. we still need to get together for a girls night again or playdate :)
Beautifuly written...there's a crowd that you don't know cheering you on!
Cute little Amanda down the street-I'm coming out of the closet and admitting that I'm your blog stalker. :) Don't worry, I don't peek in windows! Lol!!! You're kids are so lucky to have you. They are so sweet! Keep your chin up girl! You're gonna make it! :)
I've been where you are. Things will get easier. You are lucky you have such a great support system and you don't have to do it alone.
My life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Oftimes he weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
I walked a mile with happiness
She chattered all the way
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked again with sorrow
And not a word spoke she
But oh, what I had learned
When sorrow walked with me.
These two poems have gotten me through hard days. Maybe you know them already but if not, I hope they help you too!
I'm praying for you...things will get better with time, I know it!
I love you!!!!! I hate to sound trite but PLEASE LET ME KNOW if I can do ANYTHING to help you! Tending kids, groceries, sprinkles run, foot rub, whatever!
Anonymous is right. There IS a crowd that you don't know cheering you on, of which I am one. I had your similar story many years ago, and I promise you, you WILL get through this. It will be hard, but you are doing all the right things and the Savior will ease your pain and give you peace and comfort in all things.
I am so grateful for you- I can't wait for the most love filled Valentines day ever!!
I am one of the crowd cheering you on too...you are amazing!
I think of you often...and well, it makes my days just a little lighter to know I have a kindred spirit out there who is also trying to get out from under the covers and face the day. You are amazingly strong and so beautiful and it is so easy for me to see why you are so loved. You express yourself so well and I think you will treasure these blogs, as will your children. How important it is to document the good and the bad trials we go through. Your children will know of your strength and love for them. Thinking of you...
My sweet MoMo..I think of you and pray for you guys everyday. I love you so much and KNOW that all will be well....eventually.
"they are my 3 little guardian angels who let me hold on to their wings to fly..." Amanda Ridd, spoken during a terrible trial when she recognized her greatest blessings and wisely HELD ON to them to get her through!
MoMo, that is the sweetest image --- they ARE your guardian angels. Choosing "freedom from this pain & hope for a happier, more peaceful life" is difficult now, but you WILL have your heart's desire.
I check in on you every now and then. You always have great posts about hope and happiness in the things that we can control. Your children will never doubt your love and dedication to them. Thanks for sharing your triumphs amidst your sorrows.
Hank is adorable and will probably need to be set up with my Claire in the distant future:)
I could cry reading this because I can somewhat understand some of the things my Mom went through but you are so much more ahead of the game! It's awesome that you understand that you only have power over your own choices. Your children will carry you through this. I know we made my Mom's life worthwhile and we were really close to her because of the trials we experienced. I miss her but I'm so proud of you. Your children are lucky to have you and the awesome support system you have.
Hey! I think of you often and always hope that you are doing ok. I haven't commented in a while because I didn't want you to think I was cyber stalking you and your sweet babies...lol! I'll call you soon :) You are such an amazing momma!
I love you Amanda. You are awesome. :) xxoo
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