Up all night.

i am staying at my parents house and have been in and out of sleep all night, trying to decide what to do with my life from here.

i have felt emotional anguish and pain beyond my imagination. i have made some serious decisions this past month with much guidance from the Lord and my loved ones. i have also struggled back and forth with my choices...but i have confidence and peace that i am heading in the right direction in choosing to end my marriage.

my sister allison is sick. she has a rare form of cancer & she is a fighter. she will do anything to survive this. i am in awe of the depth of her soul & her character. i love her.

my husband is sick also, a different kind of sick. he is also lost. he is not sure what to do to fight it. i love him.

the only way that i can think to describe my choice is with the following description of the novel Touching the Void about a rock climbing tragedy/triumph.

"Some members of the climbing community feel that Yates was mistaken to cut the rope, and that he should have held on as long as he could to give Simpson every chance to work out a solution to his predicament. Cutting the rope not only freed Yates to seek shelter from the storm, but dropped Simpson down to a sheltered spot where he too could survive the weather. Had the two fallen while roped together, it is possible that Simpson would still have survived, but it is very unlikely that Yates would have. As it was, Yates climbed down to base camp and met up with their traveling companion, Richard Hawking. Yates and Hawking lingered for a few days in base camp while Yates regained strength and his own injuries healed. When Simpson crawled into camp in the middle of the night, they were in fact intending to leave in the morning. Had Yates not returned to base camp ahead of Simpson, Richard probably would have left well before Simpson managed to crawl out of the crevasse and down to camp. Without anyone to help him out of the mountains, Simpson would have died there. Thus, by cutting the rope Yates actually saved Simpson's life."

i have to cut the rope so i can save myself, this goes against everything in my nature. it goes against everything i want to do, it goes against my core.

but, above the rope is not only me but, grace, faith & hank. by cutting it, i hope to give us all the best chance of survival, including anthony...

i hope & pray that he finds the will to survive & that he can make it back to base camp on his own.